Things about weight loss that I feel deserve more conversation

 In November I started to get serious about my health and losing weight. I was completely miserable, I was always tired. My feet were swelling nearly every day at work. Food consumed nearly every one of my thoughts. I never had any energy for anything. And I decided I had had enough. One of the first things I did was start taking vitamins. My B12 and D levels were low, coupled with some Zinc and Vitamin C, I started to notice (almost immediately) that I was feeling better. My energy levels were increasing, and as a result, so many other things started to fall into place. 

I started focusing more on what kinds of things I was eating. I stopped for coffee less and less and was bringing my breakfast and lunch from home, instead of hitting a drive through each day. By the 2nd week, I'd lost 5 pounds. It was my first real, tangible evidence of my changes working. I was encouraged, and each day it became easier to stick with those choices. It's almost the end of March now, and I'm currently down 40 pounds. That's almost as much as my granddaughter weighs! From a number standpoint, I didn't think that was a lot- mostly because of my current weight and where my starting weight was- but then I took a picture and put it next to an older picture. Holy crap! The difference was amazing to me, I was finally able to see some of the changes in my body that I don't see when looking in the mirror each day. I like what I saw. And not only that, but I feel so much better. I'm learning to eat better, my energy levels continue to increase, my feet aren't swelling anymore! These are all wins and things I expected before losing weight. But, there's a few things I wasn't prepared for. 

The first thing is still feeling bad about my body. Just last week I was trying to take a new profile picture for my Facebook. My husband took a shot of me sitting down and I was annoyed and even kind of disgusted by how my lower body looked. I know I've lost weight all over, but sitting down just wasn't flattering for me. And I've had moments like this before, where one size is too big but the next one down is still too small. It's been hard getting dressed most days. I still reach for leggings most of the time, they are more forgiving than jeans. Which, I don't have a pair of those that fit comfortably right now either. Most of my clothing has become too big, which is kind of hard to see. Some of those tops were comfort tops, or I found I sense of confidence I didn't have before. I've cleaned some of those things out, but it's proving difficult to actually get rid of my bigger clothes. 

I don't feel like I look different when I look in the mirror. That's why I started pictures, but they give me a measurable image of the before and the now. I've also taken my measurements, but it's not been long enough to remeasure for progress yet. I still see the fat girl I've always been when I look in the mirror. I don't feel much different physically either- I mean, yes I can move more without feeling winded, but I still just feel like Angie. And that's a good things, but I guess I expected to feel different with weight loss. 

I have a lot of other feelings, I just don't know how to put them into words right now. I know that I'm going keep showing up, it's been worth it, and I know with continued weight loss I'll continue feeling better. I'm just trying to figure out how to get my mind to catch up with some of these changes. 

The One Where I Start Over....Again

 

Why is weight loss so hard? I guess I don't mean the actual weight loss part, it's the committing to something that is not my habit. I haven't worked out in months. My meal planning is, well some weeks are great and others I just fly by the seat of my pants. I hate those weeks. I binge eat. I eat everything that I shouldn't and then I feel like complete and total crap after it all. But honestly, sometimes that doesn't even stop me. I just keep going. 

I am back at my heaviest weight. Actually, I'm two pounds about my heaviest weight, so I guess you could say I'm at my new heaviest. I'm disgusted. But more than that I am tired of feeling so crappy all the time. I'm tired all day long. I could sleep all night and still be tired. It hurts to get up a lot. It takes forever to do things. I get out of breath walking up the stairs. I cannot do this anymore. 

Writing about this before helped me. Getting my feelings out about a particular situation, being able to look back on something positive I did that day. It was encouraging. I started this blog 6 years ago for accountability and it worked. But then I stopped. When I went for a walk tonight I decided I was going to start writing again. Even if no one else sees these words, they are here for me. So, here I go again. Wish me luck! 

Calorie Deficit Day 1

 Today was the start of something new. Meal planning, workout schedules, focusing on me. I can't be the best wife or mom if I don't take care of myself, and that is been lacking. In more ways than one lately. 

Yesterday I had a talk with a friend and she mentioned that when we don't take care of ourselves we begin to feel unbalanced. That really sparked something in me. I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I've been so focused on everyone else and the stress has been mounting. So, this morning I woke up and chose me. 

I dropped kids off at school and drove immediately to the park where I walked about 1.2 miles. I came home and got ready for the day, which included getting dressed in something other than athletic pants and a sweatshirt. See, I've have forgotten things that make me feel good about myself. I came up with a mental list of things that help me feel centered. It's not a large list and they aren't even big things, but they are things that matter to me and I'm ready to do them. 

First and foremost, my devotional time. I've gotten into a semi regular routine of getting up early and doing a short devotional before work in the morning. I try to do something in the evenings as well, but those are hit and miss right now. Maybe that is something I can focus on. 

The next thing on my list was working out. Something as simple as a walk makes me happy. I have learned that I really like working out, maybe not the actual act, but how I feel once I've done it. I feel accomplished, I feel good. 

Getting dressed. I know that I can't always wear something cute or something that I feel great in, but on the days where I don't work I should be putting in that effort. And doing it just for me. I used to love putting together outfits, shopping. I don't enjoy the shopping part quite as much anymore these days, but putting together and outfit is still fun for me. 

Lastly, reading and music. I listened to some music at work on Friday and was in a great mood! I was singing along and dancing a little and the day went by rather quickly. And the other night I read an entire book! It was so nice to just sit and relax and lose myself in a fictional world. 

With this list along with eating better I hope to find a new balance in my life. I tracked calories today, I made good food choices, while still eating things I loved. Most importantly, I feel really good about my day and the choices I made. Intention. That's the word I am choosing to live going forward, with intention. 

Back to Basics

I joined a gym. I like the gym in the winter time, it's too cold to walk out doors in January. I tried barre classes. I have gone to a few yoga classes (and attempted at home, but an audience consisting of a 10 year old boy isn't conducive to that sort of activity at home!). I have tried Keto. I've tried to mix things up a bit to kick start my weight loss and it's all been done with little success.

I've enjoyed trying new things and I will keep trying different things. But I learned something today. I went for a walk in the park around the track, the same park where my journey to health started almost 2 years ago. This is my happy place. I get to walk and smell the flowers. I get to walk along the river and listen to it run (if I decided to take my headphones off). I get to see kids playing on the playground when I go by. I see other people doing the same thing I am, walking that track, with whatever goal they have set for them. I get more out of walking outdoors, being in that setting. It's also in this place that my greatest success with weight loss and health took place. When I first decided a lifestyle change was in order I didn't make drastic changes. Well, maybe a few, but I started small. I walked every day and each day I got out there I pushed myself to go just a little bit further than I did the day before. I ate the same things I made the family for dinner, just maybe skipped the less healthy options and substituted something for myself only.

I tracked my food intake with My Fitness Pal, I tracked my steps with a Pedometer. I ate 3 meals a day and some small snacks in between. I ate a fudge pop  after dinner most nights. The weight still started coming off! I had focus and dedication that I have been lacking. I realized on that track today it's time to go back to this, to what was working all along.

I started to feel like walking wasn't enough, so I added in the elliptical or some weights. I decided that eating "regular" foods wasn't putting my full effort forth, so I tried to adopt different habits. I got it in my mind that if I changed the way I was doing things then maybe I would see different results, faster results. I kept telling myself if I committed myself to this exercise or that eating program then it would all start to fall in place again. I'm not sure why I felt this way, probably because this is what I do.

I have a history of telling myself that whatever I'm doing isn't good enough. It might be different than what someone else is doing, someone might make a suggestion to try something, or I read about something new, and I decide that the way I've been going up to that point isn't the right thing. I do this is pretty much all aspects of my life. I've talked myself out of wearing something, going somewhere, or starting a conversation with someone. Something kind of clicked in me again while I was out there walking. I had to talk myself into going, but like always, once I got out there I was glad that I did.

It took me 47 minutes to walk just under 2 miles. It was hard. I wasn't even halfway through my first lap when I wanted to quit. But I did this once before. I know I can do it again. I slowed my pace. It's not about how fast you finish, it's just about finishing. I kept telling myself that. Over and over. Tomorrow is another day. It will be a little easier each time. It will be better this time. Because I have realized I am doing what is right for me, what works for me. Not for anyone else.

You Can't Handle the Truth!

Did you read that and hear Tom Cruise's voice? Mission accomplished.

It was about this time last year that I dropped some serious truth and completely bared my soul regarding my weight. Well, I think it's going to happen again. I made dinner the other night. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, my favorite meal of all time. It was perfect too, the meatloaf was just juicy enough with enough seasonings. The mashed potatoes were creamy and buttery. Like I said, perfection.

I want to back up for just a second here. I haven't tried (well, successfully) the fad diets out there. No 21 day challenge, no Keto or Paleo diets, nothing. I'm a working mom with busy kids, so my approach has been to introduce more proteins and less junk food. I want to try new things, but portion control has been the method that I find works for me. That an exercise, of course.

That being said, Friday's dinner perfection. I have taken to using a salad plate rather than those giant dinner plates to help with portion control. And help they do. I made up my plate and did not go overboard. I ate. And after failing to talk myself out of it, I went and filled my plate up again. I wasn't even hungry anymore, but the food just tasted so good. And it was in that moment that I had a revelation.

I've never gone without food. My parents always provided all of my needs and even when I first got out on my own and money was tight, I still ate decent meals. But, in that moment Friday I was afraid that someone else might eat the rest of the food and if I decided later or even the next day that I might want a little more, that it wouldn't be there. I do that a lot. I eat because I'm afraid someone might get to it first. What is that?! So what if someone else gets the last meatball or brownie. It's not like I'm never going to make meatballs again. It truly makes no sense to me why this is my mindset, but I guess that is really irrelevant. The important thing is I have identified this and then finding out how to fix this.

I know I've said this a lot, but somewhere I fell off the wagon. I'm not sure where. But, ever since then I have had such a hard time finding motivation, pushing myself to get up and go like I did before. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm every emotion that one can experience and I have no idea how to change it.

Day One: Starting Over, again

I woke up yesterday with some new found determination. I decided it is time to get serious again about the things I’ve been lax on the last few months. Working out is high up on that list. That is how I found myself at the gym again this morning before work. It was hard, but it always feels so good to be moving again. 

I approached the day with a new attitude, reminding myself that this is a one day at a time kind of thing. I think there was my first mistake-I kept looking forward into the future, which was getting me down. I need to just focus on the right now. The right now is I had a great work out this morning. I made much better food choices today, including staying away from pop! 

Two things that I am going to do going forward and keep with are writing down my progress on this blog. Writing gave me something to look forward to but it also gave me something I could look back on and see where I had come, what was working and what was not. The second thing is tracking all my foods again. I stopped, and while I thankfully haven’t gained but 5 pounds back, I have not lost any either. Not seeing the caloric intake on my choices made it easier for me to slip back into choosing bad foods, as long as I wasn’t gaining I was OK. At least that was how I was rationalizing things. Now I know (I knew is while I was doing it too…) this is not the way to approach. I need to be mindful of what I stick in my mouth. 

Aside from feeling blah again, I’m not happy with the person I see in the mirror. I was slowly, slowly starting to see those physical changes. I could tell my face had thinned out when I look in the mirror and when nothing comes off no physical changes are made either. It’s been hard. I know it will continue to be hard. But, I’m as committed as I ever was. But sharing my progress with you all gives me accountability. So, get ready for more posts, more sharing, just more of me!

a post with no name

The struggle has been real. Like really real. I am getting married in 3 days. I have family coming from out of town and I decided to host dinner the night before the wedding. At my house. For 30 people. I'm crazy. In the midst of this craziness I ate ice cream. For breakfast. Today. Now, I'm not coming down too hard on myself because this is the first time in a long time that I've made such a questionable decision for meal replacement. So, I am granting myself some grace. Even though I ate the chocolate ice cream while sitting on the couch watching reruns of Monica and Chandler's wedding on Friends.

About an hour went by and the nagging feeling I had just would not go away! So, I got up and put my bowl in the sink. I changed into work out clothes and did level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I attempted this a few times before years back and would get about 2 days in before quitting. Working out at the gym the last months were surprisingly helpful today though. I'm not used to cardio like this, my cardio is usually the elliptical or treadmill, but it felt pretty good. Seemed easier than I remember from before. I feel better since getting up, in fact I found the motivation to write today and next I am getting ready to clean up my bedroom because ya know, company in 2 days!

I am finding the push I had in the beginning of my work out journey has slowly faded. I don't feel the excitement to get to the gym after work like I was before, even though I try to mix things up. Perhaps that is part of the stress I've been feeling in addition to my depression. I don't know. I do know that the scale doesn't move like it used to, which I tell myself I am OK with, but deep down I don't think that I am. I know myself and I need to see the physical differences in order to feel as if I am being successful. Even though I may say differently.....

I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and magically feel different. Like, the exhaustion isn't there. Like I am making progress and like I don't feel like a fat, bloated mess. Because it is starting to get to me, big time. Like, I have been contemplating calling up my doctor to talk about weight loss surgery. But I know deep down that is not the route I want to take. I want to look back and know that I busted my ass for my weight to come down. That I made hard as hell, but smart decisions about changing and maintaining my health. So, why can't I figure out a way to be OK with that right now, in the midst of the hard work? The feeling of depression is really starting to wear me out.

UPDATE

It's been over two months, I think, since I started this blog. In this time I have continued to push myself and surprise myself at all I am capable of doing. When I started, my weight was 262 pounds. I lost close to 10 but then managed to put it all back on. I felt so discouraged and in all honestly, I nearly gave up.

A month ago I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss this issue. Part of my problem was always feeling hungry. I drink water non stop during the day, I have cut down on my fast food consumption, and made changes to my daily diet. I eat breakfast now, I make better choices when it comes to eating lunch and dinner. I was still not getting a full feeling. For a few days, I felt like I was cheating, but the more I thought about it I realized I wasn't. My doctor prescribed me an appetite suppressant. I want to do this without help, but I realized that right now I needed a little bit.

I still eat better, I still go to the gym regularly. I haven't reverted back into any old habits. I do feel better though, I can eat a meal and finally feel like I have eaten enough, like I have a handle on what and how much to eat in order to continue losing weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

To date I have lost 18 pounds. I am down to 246 pounds, I cannot remember the last time I was under 250, this is huge for me. I personally do not see much of a physical change in my appearance, but others have so I know what I am doing is working. I do feel better in general and I am making progress in my workouts as well. When I first started walking, it took me nearly 18 minutes to walk a mile. I can do it now in about 16 and a half minutes. I know these aren't huge milestones, but it is these little things that show me and I am getting somewhere. 

There have been more moments of discouragement than I care to admit. I always knew I was in for a long, hard journey with this, but it's just something you cannot truly appreciate the difficulty behind it until you get into it.

Sometimes I cannot believe I have kept up with this and then others I am so thankful that I finally found the motivation to keep this going. I probably will never know what clicked in my mind that day, but I am so glad it did.

From sworn enemies to besties

I have been trying to work up my time on the elliptical machine. The first few days my time was just over 3 minutes. Over the course of last week I made it up to seven minutes. When I got to the gym Friday I was determined to make it a full 10 minutes.

I made my way to the elliptical, put on my music and got to it. I got to 5 minutes, feeling pretty good. I kept going and the next thing I knew I was at 8.5 minutes. I thought, I have totally got this. The next time I looked down I had gone over 11 minutes! Well, I decided since I had gone over my goal that I was going to keep going and push for 15.

I kept pushing myself. Telling myself I got this. I made it 20 whole minuted before I called it quits!!!! I felt amazing afterwards and ready to take on anything.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Well, two actually. The first one being I can do it. I just have to concentrate on the moment I am in rather than staring at the time clock. The second is that no one is paying attention to me because they are busy working on themselves. Part of what kept me from pushing harder before has always been my fear that people are watching and judging me. I really need to continue working on that.

Starting Over

I went to the doctor for a check up today. I weighed in just 2 pounds shy of what I weighed when I started this journey. I was off to a fantastic start. The exercise, which began as the hardest part of all of this, has become the best part for me so far. I love working out. I love the feeling I feel when I step off the treadmill or when I make it 5 minutes on that hell machine otherwise known as the elliptical.

What I don't love is the food choices. I have found eating better is easy for me, but my family hasn't embraced the changes so well. I mean, I can't imagine why an 8 year old doesn't want to eat brown rice with grilled chicken and a salad over chicken nuggets and fries. I mean, what have I been thinking?! Making two meals or two variations of meals has been getting to me. In addition, I have been hitting the take out for a lunch a little more often than I was in the beginning (which was never, then folks). I'm still trying to figure out that perfect balance I guess.

And, if I am being totally honest, I let myself slack. I told myself that working out made making those bad choices OK. I was still eating smaller portions and overall making better choices, but I let myself get too relaxed with it. So, as a result I sit here writing this, wanting to go and drown my feelings in chocolate syrup (and ice cream, too, of course!) and feeling sorry for myself. For a split second I let myself believe that I was just destined to spend the rest of my life overweight. OK, maybe longer than a split second, I think a part of me is still feeling a little like that and I've been home for an hour now.

Exercise and weight loss is one of those things that everyone has an opinion on, kind of like parenting. There is so much information out there. Why you should do this, why you shouldn't try that. But, this worked for so and so. I am still trying to find what works best for me. I know it has only been about 40 days, but I am discouraged a bit. I know this is a journey, that the changes won't happen overnight. I think I am disappointed in myself, I didn't hold onto the strength and motivation I had when I first started this journey. And the writing has stopped. I still feel as if writing everyday might be too much. I feel like I was getting repetitive, and I didn't want that. There are so many amazing people who follow along and read this and I didn't want to bore you all. And, I was starting to feel constricted in my writing as well, which is something I definitely do not want. Writing has always been my outlet to help me cope with things.

But, that's just it. Writing helps. It helped motivate me. It helped me see my progress, where I needed to work on. And for some reason it helps me stay brutally honest with myself. So, I'm jumping back on the writing wagon. I may not write everyday. But I know I need to get my words out there more than I have been. I'm staring over tomorrow. I don't care if I fall again, or even 20 more times. I want this. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything else. So, there is all the motivation I need.

When you fall off the wagon...

I put on a few pounds. I got lazy in my eating habits the last week. I rationalized this as OK because I go to the gym. In reality, I am down to two to three days rather than five because,well life with kids happened.

I am trying not to be discouraged to see the number on the scale go back up but it isn't easy. I am disappointed in myself, that I let myself slip so easily back into old habits. I am still learning.

Tomorrow is a whole new day, one where I can wake up and choose to make healthier choices again. I plan to make the most of it.

I've lost track of what day I am on....

All I know is I am just shy of one month into my journey. Almost 30 days have passed since I made a life altering choice. A choice that has been frustrating. Hard. Exhausting. But it also has been extremely rewarding. The pounds are coming off. Slowly, but they are still coming off. My energy levels are higher most days. And, I have learned that I actually really enjoy working out! I know, it surprises me too.

This last week or so I have slacked off a little. It's been awhile since I've blogged anything. I thought that a few trips to the drive thru were ok since I worked out at night. In reality, it hasn't killed me. And I don't think it has made a big difference in the big picture. But, I don't want to be going in reverse or slowing things down. I decided going forward to keep my eye on the end goal and really stick to those healthy options.

It's mostly lunch time that has been the source of bad food choices. I think I ate out every day last week. But, I made good breakfast and dinner choices, so I rationalize my choices. I need to stop that. Eating like crap is what got me into the mess I am in right now. When I remember this is a lifestyle change and not some fad diet it helps to get me back on track.

I may not write as much right now, but I will update my Facebook page. I just feel at a loss for words. I don't want to continually repeat myself because I'm sure no one wants to read it. Right now I am thinking maybe a weekly progress update and if it strikes me to write more than I will. I don't want to feel the pressure to come up with a funny, witty blog post everyday. It cramps my writing style. It frustrates me, and it affects the words that get typed on the screen.

Thank you all for sticking with me. For encouraging. For reading.

Day 21: The elliptical is my enemy

I feel like I should be doing more at the gym. Like the treadmill isn't quite enough. Friday I decided to try the elliptical. Whoever invented that thing must hate people. Or maybe he knows how to work your muscles. Probably the latter I'm guessing.

I made it a whole 3.38 minutes before I quit and made my way back to my home, the treadmill. Friday was a hard day.  I constantly felt hungry and more than anything I wanted to quit while working out. I started wondering is what I am doing really worth it?

If I am being honest, I felt that way most of last week. Constantly trying to figure out what I should and should not eat, finding the will power to even go to the gym after work.

It was a trying week, but somehow I made it through. I made it without making awful food choices. I went to the gym, even for just 30 quick minutes. Isn't that what this is about, pushing through when we really want to quit?

I went grocery shopping today. I think I made some choices that will make meals much easier and more filling for me this week.

Let's get it started!

Day 16: Why exercising is harder than having a baby

I've been told I can be a drama queen. I don't see it, but I guess I'll let you be the judge of that. Today at the gym I was walking on the treadmill, minding my own business, listening to a little Eminem. I've been on a total Em kick lately and I don't know why. Anyways, I'm walking and sweating (I think I sweat more at the gym too) when it hits me. I have been through a lot of tough things in my life. I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I have been a single parent for what seems like forever (it's only been 6 years), I've had 4 humans. And by far the hardest thing I have done is sticking to this weight loss journey.

Here's why I say that. When my depression was at its worst I could just crawl into bed and sleep. When the anxiety (mostly social anxiety) and panic attacks hit, I just crawled into bed and hide from everything. When shit got too hard parenting alone, yep, I crawled in bed and slept. Ok, maybe that was the depression too, but point is things were hard and it was so easy not to face them. There really isn't an end in sight when it comes to depression, but therapy helped set small goals that I could attain in an amount of time. I need that reality to grasp onto. Now, let's get to the baby part. Being pregnant is hard. It's a toll on your body, you pee all the time, and you crave the most disgusting things. Labor and delivery is hard, it's painful, but at the end of those 9 months you know that you are going to be holding the most precious little baby and completely forget about the discomfort you endured. There is an end in sight. A definite time frame, unless ya'll know of someone whose been pregnant for 80 years. In that case, I totally feel for her.

Exercising and eating right is hard. What makes it even harder for me is the slow progress. There is no definite end date. I can't say that by December 25 I will be 20 pounds lighter. I may be, I may not be. You can set goals to lose x amount of pounds by x amount of time, but chances are it isn't going to go as you plan it. Losing weight is a slow process too. I like instant results, otherwise I feel like I am not doing something right. It has been tough to keep that in mind. Maybe that is why I have decided to blog about and make this journey public. Because I can go back to day 1 and see how far I have come, even though the number on the scale may not reflect a giant change yet.

Learning to embrace the hard, to remember that this is a sprint and not a 100 yard dash has been a learning process for me. Writing has been a great outlet, talking about things with others has helped tremendously. And the support I have received from everyone is amazing. I cannot imaging continuing on with this journey without the support. It's kept me on track when I felt like I might want to quit. It's helped to push me to that extra 5th of a mile or to choose to drink water when a pop is all I want. I couldn't have made it to 16 days without the support. I know that because of them I will keep with this. This is for real this time. Even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Day 16: The day I joined the gym

That's right. Today I joined the gym. It was hard. Harder than day 1 of walking in my opinion. I logged in 2 miles on the treadmill and it kicked my butt! It felt a little more difficult than walking around a track, I'm not sure why though. One thing I did not like was how slow the time seemed to go. When I use my pedometer I stick it in my pocket and I don't look at it until I've finished for the day. On the treadmill I was slowing watching the calories and the distance move ever so slowly. The guy in the row ahead of me had a genius idea. He took a towel and covered up the screen on his treadmill so he didn't have to stare at it during his entire workout. I'm going to totally do that next time.

Another amazing discovery is the 21 day fix plan, thanks Becky!! The last two days I have been researching clean eating. I always thought that clean eating meant boring eating. I could not have been more wrong. I found so many yummy recipes with natural ingredients that I cannot wait to try. I found a tasty looking cinnamon bun, turkey and avocado burgers, and even a coffee and peanut butter smoothie. Oh, and cauliflower crust pizza that looks so amazingly mouthwatering (thanks to my cousin for this one). I literally cannot wait to go grocery shopping this weekend so that I can try out these new recipes.

I'm amazed at how simple they are. So simple I cannot believe I did not know this information. Today for lunch, I had a turkey wrap on a whole wheat tortilla with bacon and mozzarella cheese with some cottage cheese and water. It was delicious and filling too. Dinner I sautéed up some red onions and steak served with brown rice and corn. I just cannot get over how simple these two meals were but how filling and how good they are for me.

Current stats: I am down to 255 pounds. I average a mile a day when I walk, usually more. And my meal choices continue to get better and better. Oh, and I drink so much water sometimes I feel like I should move my computer into the bathroom at work. I'm up to about 64-72 ounces a day.

Progress is the name of the game and I am totally winning!

There's nothing sexy about being unhealthy

So, going a little different direction today. Over the weekend comedian Ralphie May died. Ralphie May joked about his weight and struggled with it for some time, from what I have learned from reading a little about him. Why the sudden interest in an overweight celebrity? Well, when I saw the headline that he died from cardiac arrest and complications from pneumonia I knew that could have easily happened to me one day.

Now, even at my biggest have I ever been as big as Ralphie May or others who have followed in his footsteps. And, please don't mistake, I am sorry that his life was lost. But, we live in a country that glorifies obesity and chubby as sexy and ok. Let me say this slowly, this is not sexy. It's not glamorous, and it shouldn't be how we are CHOOSING to live our lives. I know that not all of us make poor diet choices, not all of us choose to watch Netflix rather than work out, but a lot of us do.

There is nothing wrong with being body confident. I've always felt confident about how I looked. I never felt like I have needed anyone's approval regarding my appearance. And those back hand compliments like, "you dress well for a big girl" always irritated me. Deep down though I knew that I was facing potentially life threatening issues because of my lifestyle choices. My lifestyle choices led to my weight gain. Not an illness, not an injury. My own ignorance and laziness have gotten me to where I am today. And, it's because of figures like Ralphie May, The Fluffy comedian (what's his name??), and site like Chubby Girls are Sexy too, that glorify this lifestyle.

I thought that if they could make it and be ok with being fat then what was so wrong with me feeling the same way. Well, honestly nothing. If that is where you are in your life. I was there for a long time. My motivation still stands as this is a decision to get healthy, not skinny. I am not trying to put down anyone who may not feel this way and I hope I am not coming off that way. My eyes were opened two weeks ago when I started this journey. And, now that are wide open after reading of the passing of Ralphie May.

I want to be around for my kids. I want to run around and play at the park with them. I want to be the example for them. I want to be happy and healthy.

Day 12:Cheat Day

Today is the day I have been waiting for all week. The big Michigan/Michigan State party after work. Yummy food, good company. It was a great day. I totally indulged in all the yumminess. Cheesy potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and a burger made to order just how I wanted it.

I know it's a good idea to treat yourself now and again. And I am not opposed to it for myself either. But, I feel like I over indulged while enjoying the festivities and company of my friends. I feel as if all the progress I made over the last 12 days has suddenly reversed itself and that I will be starting from day 1 again. I know deep down that isn't true, but I guess I learned that maybe I wasn't quite ready to have a cheat day. I'm so new into this lifestyle and journey, that I quickly wanted to revert back into my old habits.

If the food is there it must be eaten. But that isn't the case at all. I could have made better decisions when filling my plate up. But, everyone kept saying a cheat day is allowed and that I should treat myself. I'm not blaming anyone else for me feelings, so I hope that isn't the picture I am painting. I just let the pressure get to me when deep down I knew I should have said no. That I was going to continue to eat in the way I have been the last two weeks.

Tomorrow is another day. I am going to get back into my new groove and really stick to it from here on out. I'm not saying I'll never have a cheat day or that I won't have moments of weakness, but I just wasn't ready for today.

For all you ladies at work, who I know are reading this....you are awesome. I love all the support you have all given me and I am truly grateful for each and every one of you <3

Day 11: Push it, push it real good

Food was easy today. I feel like I ate well and I drank lots of water. Someone gave me a tip, drink from a straw because you tend to drink more. Oddly enough I am finding that to be true, which makes getting my water intake easier.

Walking was a different story. I was really looking forward to getting out there today, bit halfway through my first lap I felt like I was done. I was dragging, not keeping a good pace. I wanted to just call it quits after just that one.

I was sick yesterday, so that was my excuse for wanting to quit today. But more than wanting to quit,I wanted to beat my 2.5 miles from Tuesday. If i had gone any less than that I would have felt like I failed myself today.

I know that isn't really the truth though. Honestly, I am more active in a day than I was just two weeks ago and anything up from that is progress in my book. I kept with it though. By the time I rounded my final lap and made it back to my car I had gone 2.93 miles! Almost 3 miles! And, each lap got easier. I could have and probably would have gone around once more, but it had started to rain. Not the drizzle I dealt with for most of my walk, it started coming down pretty good and I figured that was a good time to call it a day.

I am amazed at how far I have come in just 11 short days. I am down about 7 pounds, and that number is a little high because I was sick....I am looking to continue losing about 1.5 pounds a week from here on out. If you had told me two weeks ago where I would be today I would have laughed in your face.

If I can do this, anyone can do this. All it takes is the determination and drive to want to change. I am so glad I found it.

Day 10: sick day

No workout today and I stopped counting calories at lunch. I feel completely awful, so I will be spending the evening resting with my family. Hopefully I can be back at it tomorrow.

Day 9: Doin' my thang

I came to a few realizations today. I have lots of time to think while I am walking. The first thing that came to my mind was that for this last week I have not only been walking, but I go alone everyday. I'm pretty proud of myself. I used to think I needed someone by my side for everything. Anxiety is like that. I think that I was so convinced that if I tried something alone then I would be judged. I had myself convinced the only way to succeed with weight loss was having a workout partner. Turns out I just needed to let others in on my life, that is all the accountability I need.

My second epiphany came to me as I was trudging back up the hill to my car. I was just about through my second lap around the track when I caught myself trying to rationalize why I couldn't do a third lap. Physically I was feeling fantastic. Much of exercise is a mental game, even more mental than physical I would say. The reasons I was coming up with were silly.

I can see this is why failure is so high, we tell ourselves we just can't do it. I am not sure how I shut my mind out, but at the end of the second lap I found myself turning instead of going back up the hill to my car. As a result I made it over two miles today!

Our minds are powerful, but so is determination. Heres to continuing to shut out that negativity that says I cannot do this. I can and I am!