I've been told I can be a drama queen. I don't see it, but I guess I'll let you be the judge of that. Today at the gym I was walking on the treadmill, minding my own business, listening to a little Eminem. I've been on a total Em kick lately and I don't know why. Anyways, I'm walking and sweating (I think I sweat more at the gym too) when it hits me. I have been through a lot of tough things in my life. I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I have been a single parent for what seems like forever (it's only been 6 years), I've had 4 humans. And by far the hardest thing I have done is sticking to this weight loss journey.
Here's why I say that. When my depression was at its worst I could just crawl into bed and sleep. When the anxiety (mostly social anxiety) and panic attacks hit, I just crawled into bed and hide from everything. When shit got too hard parenting alone, yep, I crawled in bed and slept. Ok, maybe that was the depression too, but point is things were hard and it was so easy not to face them. There really isn't an end in sight when it comes to depression, but therapy helped set small goals that I could attain in an amount of time. I need that reality to grasp onto. Now, let's get to the baby part. Being pregnant is hard. It's a toll on your body, you pee all the time, and you crave the most disgusting things. Labor and delivery is hard, it's painful, but at the end of those 9 months you know that you are going to be holding the most precious little baby and completely forget about the discomfort you endured. There is an end in sight. A definite time frame, unless ya'll know of someone whose been pregnant for 80 years. In that case, I totally feel for her.
Exercising and eating right is hard. What makes it even harder for me is the slow progress. There is no definite end date. I can't say that by December 25 I will be 20 pounds lighter. I may be, I may not be. You can set goals to lose x amount of pounds by x amount of time, but chances are it isn't going to go as you plan it. Losing weight is a slow process too. I like instant results, otherwise I feel like I am not doing something right. It has been tough to keep that in mind. Maybe that is why I have decided to blog about and make this journey public. Because I can go back to day 1 and see how far I have come, even though the number on the scale may not reflect a giant change yet.
Learning to embrace the hard, to remember that this is a sprint and not a 100 yard dash has been a learning process for me. Writing has been a great outlet, talking about things with others has helped tremendously. And the support I have received from everyone is amazing. I cannot imaging continuing on with this journey without the support. It's kept me on track when I felt like I might want to quit. It's helped to push me to that extra 5th of a mile or to choose to drink water when a pop is all I want. I couldn't have made it to 16 days without the support. I know that because of them I will keep with this. This is for real this time. Even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
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