You Can't Handle the Truth!

Did you read that and hear Tom Cruise's voice? Mission accomplished.

It was about this time last year that I dropped some serious truth and completely bared my soul regarding my weight. Well, I think it's going to happen again. I made dinner the other night. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, my favorite meal of all time. It was perfect too, the meatloaf was just juicy enough with enough seasonings. The mashed potatoes were creamy and buttery. Like I said, perfection.

I want to back up for just a second here. I haven't tried (well, successfully) the fad diets out there. No 21 day challenge, no Keto or Paleo diets, nothing. I'm a working mom with busy kids, so my approach has been to introduce more proteins and less junk food. I want to try new things, but portion control has been the method that I find works for me. That an exercise, of course.

That being said, Friday's dinner perfection. I have taken to using a salad plate rather than those giant dinner plates to help with portion control. And help they do. I made up my plate and did not go overboard. I ate. And after failing to talk myself out of it, I went and filled my plate up again. I wasn't even hungry anymore, but the food just tasted so good. And it was in that moment that I had a revelation.

I've never gone without food. My parents always provided all of my needs and even when I first got out on my own and money was tight, I still ate decent meals. But, in that moment Friday I was afraid that someone else might eat the rest of the food and if I decided later or even the next day that I might want a little more, that it wouldn't be there. I do that a lot. I eat because I'm afraid someone might get to it first. What is that?! So what if someone else gets the last meatball or brownie. It's not like I'm never going to make meatballs again. It truly makes no sense to me why this is my mindset, but I guess that is really irrelevant. The important thing is I have identified this and then finding out how to fix this.

I know I've said this a lot, but somewhere I fell off the wagon. I'm not sure where. But, ever since then I have had such a hard time finding motivation, pushing myself to get up and go like I did before. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm every emotion that one can experience and I have no idea how to change it.

Day One: Starting Over, again

I woke up yesterday with some new found determination. I decided it is time to get serious again about the things I’ve been lax on the last few months. Working out is high up on that list. That is how I found myself at the gym again this morning before work. It was hard, but it always feels so good to be moving again. 

I approached the day with a new attitude, reminding myself that this is a one day at a time kind of thing. I think there was my first mistake-I kept looking forward into the future, which was getting me down. I need to just focus on the right now. The right now is I had a great work out this morning. I made much better food choices today, including staying away from pop! 

Two things that I am going to do going forward and keep with are writing down my progress on this blog. Writing gave me something to look forward to but it also gave me something I could look back on and see where I had come, what was working and what was not. The second thing is tracking all my foods again. I stopped, and while I thankfully haven’t gained but 5 pounds back, I have not lost any either. Not seeing the caloric intake on my choices made it easier for me to slip back into choosing bad foods, as long as I wasn’t gaining I was OK. At least that was how I was rationalizing things. Now I know (I knew is while I was doing it too…) this is not the way to approach. I need to be mindful of what I stick in my mouth. 

Aside from feeling blah again, I’m not happy with the person I see in the mirror. I was slowly, slowly starting to see those physical changes. I could tell my face had thinned out when I look in the mirror and when nothing comes off no physical changes are made either. It’s been hard. I know it will continue to be hard. But, I’m as committed as I ever was. But sharing my progress with you all gives me accountability. So, get ready for more posts, more sharing, just more of me!

a post with no name

The struggle has been real. Like really real. I am getting married in 3 days. I have family coming from out of town and I decided to host dinner the night before the wedding. At my house. For 30 people. I'm crazy. In the midst of this craziness I ate ice cream. For breakfast. Today. Now, I'm not coming down too hard on myself because this is the first time in a long time that I've made such a questionable decision for meal replacement. So, I am granting myself some grace. Even though I ate the chocolate ice cream while sitting on the couch watching reruns of Monica and Chandler's wedding on Friends.

About an hour went by and the nagging feeling I had just would not go away! So, I got up and put my bowl in the sink. I changed into work out clothes and did level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I attempted this a few times before years back and would get about 2 days in before quitting. Working out at the gym the last months were surprisingly helpful today though. I'm not used to cardio like this, my cardio is usually the elliptical or treadmill, but it felt pretty good. Seemed easier than I remember from before. I feel better since getting up, in fact I found the motivation to write today and next I am getting ready to clean up my bedroom because ya know, company in 2 days!

I am finding the push I had in the beginning of my work out journey has slowly faded. I don't feel the excitement to get to the gym after work like I was before, even though I try to mix things up. Perhaps that is part of the stress I've been feeling in addition to my depression. I don't know. I do know that the scale doesn't move like it used to, which I tell myself I am OK with, but deep down I don't think that I am. I know myself and I need to see the physical differences in order to feel as if I am being successful. Even though I may say differently.....

I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and magically feel different. Like, the exhaustion isn't there. Like I am making progress and like I don't feel like a fat, bloated mess. Because it is starting to get to me, big time. Like, I have been contemplating calling up my doctor to talk about weight loss surgery. But I know deep down that is not the route I want to take. I want to look back and know that I busted my ass for my weight to come down. That I made hard as hell, but smart decisions about changing and maintaining my health. So, why can't I figure out a way to be OK with that right now, in the midst of the hard work? The feeling of depression is really starting to wear me out.