I've lost track of what day I am on....

All I know is I am just shy of one month into my journey. Almost 30 days have passed since I made a life altering choice. A choice that has been frustrating. Hard. Exhausting. But it also has been extremely rewarding. The pounds are coming off. Slowly, but they are still coming off. My energy levels are higher most days. And, I have learned that I actually really enjoy working out! I know, it surprises me too.

This last week or so I have slacked off a little. It's been awhile since I've blogged anything. I thought that a few trips to the drive thru were ok since I worked out at night. In reality, it hasn't killed me. And I don't think it has made a big difference in the big picture. But, I don't want to be going in reverse or slowing things down. I decided going forward to keep my eye on the end goal and really stick to those healthy options.

It's mostly lunch time that has been the source of bad food choices. I think I ate out every day last week. But, I made good breakfast and dinner choices, so I rationalize my choices. I need to stop that. Eating like crap is what got me into the mess I am in right now. When I remember this is a lifestyle change and not some fad diet it helps to get me back on track.

I may not write as much right now, but I will update my Facebook page. I just feel at a loss for words. I don't want to continually repeat myself because I'm sure no one wants to read it. Right now I am thinking maybe a weekly progress update and if it strikes me to write more than I will. I don't want to feel the pressure to come up with a funny, witty blog post everyday. It cramps my writing style. It frustrates me, and it affects the words that get typed on the screen.

Thank you all for sticking with me. For encouraging. For reading.

Day 21: The elliptical is my enemy

I feel like I should be doing more at the gym. Like the treadmill isn't quite enough. Friday I decided to try the elliptical. Whoever invented that thing must hate people. Or maybe he knows how to work your muscles. Probably the latter I'm guessing.

I made it a whole 3.38 minutes before I quit and made my way back to my home, the treadmill. Friday was a hard day.  I constantly felt hungry and more than anything I wanted to quit while working out. I started wondering is what I am doing really worth it?

If I am being honest, I felt that way most of last week. Constantly trying to figure out what I should and should not eat, finding the will power to even go to the gym after work.

It was a trying week, but somehow I made it through. I made it without making awful food choices. I went to the gym, even for just 30 quick minutes. Isn't that what this is about, pushing through when we really want to quit?

I went grocery shopping today. I think I made some choices that will make meals much easier and more filling for me this week.

Let's get it started!

Day 16: Why exercising is harder than having a baby

I've been told I can be a drama queen. I don't see it, but I guess I'll let you be the judge of that. Today at the gym I was walking on the treadmill, minding my own business, listening to a little Eminem. I've been on a total Em kick lately and I don't know why. Anyways, I'm walking and sweating (I think I sweat more at the gym too) when it hits me. I have been through a lot of tough things in my life. I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I have been a single parent for what seems like forever (it's only been 6 years), I've had 4 humans. And by far the hardest thing I have done is sticking to this weight loss journey.

Here's why I say that. When my depression was at its worst I could just crawl into bed and sleep. When the anxiety (mostly social anxiety) and panic attacks hit, I just crawled into bed and hide from everything. When shit got too hard parenting alone, yep, I crawled in bed and slept. Ok, maybe that was the depression too, but point is things were hard and it was so easy not to face them. There really isn't an end in sight when it comes to depression, but therapy helped set small goals that I could attain in an amount of time. I need that reality to grasp onto. Now, let's get to the baby part. Being pregnant is hard. It's a toll on your body, you pee all the time, and you crave the most disgusting things. Labor and delivery is hard, it's painful, but at the end of those 9 months you know that you are going to be holding the most precious little baby and completely forget about the discomfort you endured. There is an end in sight. A definite time frame, unless ya'll know of someone whose been pregnant for 80 years. In that case, I totally feel for her.

Exercising and eating right is hard. What makes it even harder for me is the slow progress. There is no definite end date. I can't say that by December 25 I will be 20 pounds lighter. I may be, I may not be. You can set goals to lose x amount of pounds by x amount of time, but chances are it isn't going to go as you plan it. Losing weight is a slow process too. I like instant results, otherwise I feel like I am not doing something right. It has been tough to keep that in mind. Maybe that is why I have decided to blog about and make this journey public. Because I can go back to day 1 and see how far I have come, even though the number on the scale may not reflect a giant change yet.

Learning to embrace the hard, to remember that this is a sprint and not a 100 yard dash has been a learning process for me. Writing has been a great outlet, talking about things with others has helped tremendously. And the support I have received from everyone is amazing. I cannot imaging continuing on with this journey without the support. It's kept me on track when I felt like I might want to quit. It's helped to push me to that extra 5th of a mile or to choose to drink water when a pop is all I want. I couldn't have made it to 16 days without the support. I know that because of them I will keep with this. This is for real this time. Even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Day 16: The day I joined the gym

That's right. Today I joined the gym. It was hard. Harder than day 1 of walking in my opinion. I logged in 2 miles on the treadmill and it kicked my butt! It felt a little more difficult than walking around a track, I'm not sure why though. One thing I did not like was how slow the time seemed to go. When I use my pedometer I stick it in my pocket and I don't look at it until I've finished for the day. On the treadmill I was slowing watching the calories and the distance move ever so slowly. The guy in the row ahead of me had a genius idea. He took a towel and covered up the screen on his treadmill so he didn't have to stare at it during his entire workout. I'm going to totally do that next time.

Another amazing discovery is the 21 day fix plan, thanks Becky!! The last two days I have been researching clean eating. I always thought that clean eating meant boring eating. I could not have been more wrong. I found so many yummy recipes with natural ingredients that I cannot wait to try. I found a tasty looking cinnamon bun, turkey and avocado burgers, and even a coffee and peanut butter smoothie. Oh, and cauliflower crust pizza that looks so amazingly mouthwatering (thanks to my cousin for this one). I literally cannot wait to go grocery shopping this weekend so that I can try out these new recipes.

I'm amazed at how simple they are. So simple I cannot believe I did not know this information. Today for lunch, I had a turkey wrap on a whole wheat tortilla with bacon and mozzarella cheese with some cottage cheese and water. It was delicious and filling too. Dinner I sautéed up some red onions and steak served with brown rice and corn. I just cannot get over how simple these two meals were but how filling and how good they are for me.

Current stats: I am down to 255 pounds. I average a mile a day when I walk, usually more. And my meal choices continue to get better and better. Oh, and I drink so much water sometimes I feel like I should move my computer into the bathroom at work. I'm up to about 64-72 ounces a day.

Progress is the name of the game and I am totally winning!

There's nothing sexy about being unhealthy

So, going a little different direction today. Over the weekend comedian Ralphie May died. Ralphie May joked about his weight and struggled with it for some time, from what I have learned from reading a little about him. Why the sudden interest in an overweight celebrity? Well, when I saw the headline that he died from cardiac arrest and complications from pneumonia I knew that could have easily happened to me one day.

Now, even at my biggest have I ever been as big as Ralphie May or others who have followed in his footsteps. And, please don't mistake, I am sorry that his life was lost. But, we live in a country that glorifies obesity and chubby as sexy and ok. Let me say this slowly, this is not sexy. It's not glamorous, and it shouldn't be how we are CHOOSING to live our lives. I know that not all of us make poor diet choices, not all of us choose to watch Netflix rather than work out, but a lot of us do.

There is nothing wrong with being body confident. I've always felt confident about how I looked. I never felt like I have needed anyone's approval regarding my appearance. And those back hand compliments like, "you dress well for a big girl" always irritated me. Deep down though I knew that I was facing potentially life threatening issues because of my lifestyle choices. My lifestyle choices led to my weight gain. Not an illness, not an injury. My own ignorance and laziness have gotten me to where I am today. And, it's because of figures like Ralphie May, The Fluffy comedian (what's his name??), and site like Chubby Girls are Sexy too, that glorify this lifestyle.

I thought that if they could make it and be ok with being fat then what was so wrong with me feeling the same way. Well, honestly nothing. If that is where you are in your life. I was there for a long time. My motivation still stands as this is a decision to get healthy, not skinny. I am not trying to put down anyone who may not feel this way and I hope I am not coming off that way. My eyes were opened two weeks ago when I started this journey. And, now that are wide open after reading of the passing of Ralphie May.

I want to be around for my kids. I want to run around and play at the park with them. I want to be the example for them. I want to be happy and healthy.

Day 12:Cheat Day

Today is the day I have been waiting for all week. The big Michigan/Michigan State party after work. Yummy food, good company. It was a great day. I totally indulged in all the yumminess. Cheesy potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and a burger made to order just how I wanted it.

I know it's a good idea to treat yourself now and again. And I am not opposed to it for myself either. But, I feel like I over indulged while enjoying the festivities and company of my friends. I feel as if all the progress I made over the last 12 days has suddenly reversed itself and that I will be starting from day 1 again. I know deep down that isn't true, but I guess I learned that maybe I wasn't quite ready to have a cheat day. I'm so new into this lifestyle and journey, that I quickly wanted to revert back into my old habits.

If the food is there it must be eaten. But that isn't the case at all. I could have made better decisions when filling my plate up. But, everyone kept saying a cheat day is allowed and that I should treat myself. I'm not blaming anyone else for me feelings, so I hope that isn't the picture I am painting. I just let the pressure get to me when deep down I knew I should have said no. That I was going to continue to eat in the way I have been the last two weeks.

Tomorrow is another day. I am going to get back into my new groove and really stick to it from here on out. I'm not saying I'll never have a cheat day or that I won't have moments of weakness, but I just wasn't ready for today.

For all you ladies at work, who I know are reading this....you are awesome. I love all the support you have all given me and I am truly grateful for each and every one of you <3

Day 11: Push it, push it real good

Food was easy today. I feel like I ate well and I drank lots of water. Someone gave me a tip, drink from a straw because you tend to drink more. Oddly enough I am finding that to be true, which makes getting my water intake easier.

Walking was a different story. I was really looking forward to getting out there today, bit halfway through my first lap I felt like I was done. I was dragging, not keeping a good pace. I wanted to just call it quits after just that one.

I was sick yesterday, so that was my excuse for wanting to quit today. But more than wanting to quit,I wanted to beat my 2.5 miles from Tuesday. If i had gone any less than that I would have felt like I failed myself today.

I know that isn't really the truth though. Honestly, I am more active in a day than I was just two weeks ago and anything up from that is progress in my book. I kept with it though. By the time I rounded my final lap and made it back to my car I had gone 2.93 miles! Almost 3 miles! And, each lap got easier. I could have and probably would have gone around once more, but it had started to rain. Not the drizzle I dealt with for most of my walk, it started coming down pretty good and I figured that was a good time to call it a day.

I am amazed at how far I have come in just 11 short days. I am down about 7 pounds, and that number is a little high because I was sick....I am looking to continue losing about 1.5 pounds a week from here on out. If you had told me two weeks ago where I would be today I would have laughed in your face.

If I can do this, anyone can do this. All it takes is the determination and drive to want to change. I am so glad I found it.

Day 10: sick day

No workout today and I stopped counting calories at lunch. I feel completely awful, so I will be spending the evening resting with my family. Hopefully I can be back at it tomorrow.

Day 9: Doin' my thang

I came to a few realizations today. I have lots of time to think while I am walking. The first thing that came to my mind was that for this last week I have not only been walking, but I go alone everyday. I'm pretty proud of myself. I used to think I needed someone by my side for everything. Anxiety is like that. I think that I was so convinced that if I tried something alone then I would be judged. I had myself convinced the only way to succeed with weight loss was having a workout partner. Turns out I just needed to let others in on my life, that is all the accountability I need.

My second epiphany came to me as I was trudging back up the hill to my car. I was just about through my second lap around the track when I caught myself trying to rationalize why I couldn't do a third lap. Physically I was feeling fantastic. Much of exercise is a mental game, even more mental than physical I would say. The reasons I was coming up with were silly.

I can see this is why failure is so high, we tell ourselves we just can't do it. I am not sure how I shut my mind out, but at the end of the second lap I found myself turning instead of going back up the hill to my car. As a result I made it over two miles today!

Our minds are powerful, but so is determination. Heres to continuing to shut out that negativity that says I cannot do this. I can and I am!

Days 7 and 8

Well, I am officially one week into my new lifestyle. I am feeling pretty optimistic towards my future. The junk food cravings aren't as strong and making wiser choices is coming easier. I am so thankful that I found some yummy snack choices.

Now that I have a week behind me I have a pretty good idea of what I want my days to look like. I have decided to work out five days a week, taking the day off on Monday and Saturday. Walking is my choice of exercise right now. I find new ways to challenge myself, whether it be pushing for that extra lap or walking a different path all together. Each day I push and go a little bit further. It is getting a bit easier too. I don't tire out quite as quickly, my times are getting a little better. And, most important, my feet don't hurt as bad as they did when I first started.

The biggest lesson I have taken away so far is that motivation makes all the difference. When I decided to go on this journey I knew that it had to be for more than the sake of appearance. I keep telling myself that by losing this weight I will feel healthier in general and that is was has kept me going.

Week two is off to a promising start. Can't wait to see how far I go this week!