The struggle has been real. Like really real. I am getting married in 3 days. I have family coming from out of town and I decided to host dinner the night before the wedding. At my house. For 30 people. I'm crazy. In the midst of this craziness I ate ice cream. For breakfast. Today. Now, I'm not coming down too hard on myself because this is the first time in a long time that I've made such a questionable decision for meal replacement. So, I am granting myself some grace. Even though I ate the chocolate ice cream while sitting on the couch watching reruns of Monica and Chandler's wedding on Friends.
About an hour went by and the nagging feeling I had just would not go away! So, I got up and put my bowl in the sink. I changed into work out clothes and did level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I attempted this a few times before years back and would get about 2 days in before quitting. Working out at the gym the last months were surprisingly helpful today though. I'm not used to cardio like this, my cardio is usually the elliptical or treadmill, but it felt pretty good. Seemed easier than I remember from before. I feel better since getting up, in fact I found the motivation to write today and next I am getting ready to clean up my bedroom because ya know, company in 2 days!
I am finding the push I had in the beginning of my work out journey has slowly faded. I don't feel the excitement to get to the gym after work like I was before, even though I try to mix things up. Perhaps that is part of the stress I've been feeling in addition to my depression. I don't know. I do know that the scale doesn't move like it used to, which I tell myself I am OK with, but deep down I don't think that I am. I know myself and I need to see the physical differences in order to feel as if I am being successful. Even though I may say differently.....
I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and magically feel different. Like, the exhaustion isn't there. Like I am making progress and like I don't feel like a fat, bloated mess. Because it is starting to get to me, big time. Like, I have been contemplating calling up my doctor to talk about weight loss surgery. But I know deep down that is not the route I want to take. I want to look back and know that I busted my ass for my weight to come down. That I made hard as hell, but smart decisions about changing and maintaining my health. So, why can't I figure out a way to be OK with that right now, in the midst of the hard work? The feeling of depression is really starting to wear me out.
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