a post with no name

The struggle has been real. Like really real. I am getting married in 3 days. I have family coming from out of town and I decided to host dinner the night before the wedding. At my house. For 30 people. I'm crazy. In the midst of this craziness I ate ice cream. For breakfast. Today. Now, I'm not coming down too hard on myself because this is the first time in a long time that I've made such a questionable decision for meal replacement. So, I am granting myself some grace. Even though I ate the chocolate ice cream while sitting on the couch watching reruns of Monica and Chandler's wedding on Friends.

About an hour went by and the nagging feeling I had just would not go away! So, I got up and put my bowl in the sink. I changed into work out clothes and did level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I attempted this a few times before years back and would get about 2 days in before quitting. Working out at the gym the last months were surprisingly helpful today though. I'm not used to cardio like this, my cardio is usually the elliptical or treadmill, but it felt pretty good. Seemed easier than I remember from before. I feel better since getting up, in fact I found the motivation to write today and next I am getting ready to clean up my bedroom because ya know, company in 2 days!

I am finding the push I had in the beginning of my work out journey has slowly faded. I don't feel the excitement to get to the gym after work like I was before, even though I try to mix things up. Perhaps that is part of the stress I've been feeling in addition to my depression. I don't know. I do know that the scale doesn't move like it used to, which I tell myself I am OK with, but deep down I don't think that I am. I know myself and I need to see the physical differences in order to feel as if I am being successful. Even though I may say differently.....

I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and magically feel different. Like, the exhaustion isn't there. Like I am making progress and like I don't feel like a fat, bloated mess. Because it is starting to get to me, big time. Like, I have been contemplating calling up my doctor to talk about weight loss surgery. But I know deep down that is not the route I want to take. I want to look back and know that I busted my ass for my weight to come down. That I made hard as hell, but smart decisions about changing and maintaining my health. So, why can't I figure out a way to be OK with that right now, in the midst of the hard work? The feeling of depression is really starting to wear me out.

UPDATE

It's been over two months, I think, since I started this blog. In this time I have continued to push myself and surprise myself at all I am capable of doing. When I started, my weight was 262 pounds. I lost close to 10 but then managed to put it all back on. I felt so discouraged and in all honestly, I nearly gave up.

A month ago I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss this issue. Part of my problem was always feeling hungry. I drink water non stop during the day, I have cut down on my fast food consumption, and made changes to my daily diet. I eat breakfast now, I make better choices when it comes to eating lunch and dinner. I was still not getting a full feeling. For a few days, I felt like I was cheating, but the more I thought about it I realized I wasn't. My doctor prescribed me an appetite suppressant. I want to do this without help, but I realized that right now I needed a little bit.

I still eat better, I still go to the gym regularly. I haven't reverted back into any old habits. I do feel better though, I can eat a meal and finally feel like I have eaten enough, like I have a handle on what and how much to eat in order to continue losing weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

To date I have lost 18 pounds. I am down to 246 pounds, I cannot remember the last time I was under 250, this is huge for me. I personally do not see much of a physical change in my appearance, but others have so I know what I am doing is working. I do feel better in general and I am making progress in my workouts as well. When I first started walking, it took me nearly 18 minutes to walk a mile. I can do it now in about 16 and a half minutes. I know these aren't huge milestones, but it is these little things that show me and I am getting somewhere. 

There have been more moments of discouragement than I care to admit. I always knew I was in for a long, hard journey with this, but it's just something you cannot truly appreciate the difficulty behind it until you get into it.

Sometimes I cannot believe I have kept up with this and then others I am so thankful that I finally found the motivation to keep this going. I probably will never know what clicked in my mind that day, but I am so glad it did.

From sworn enemies to besties

I have been trying to work up my time on the elliptical machine. The first few days my time was just over 3 minutes. Over the course of last week I made it up to seven minutes. When I got to the gym Friday I was determined to make it a full 10 minutes.

I made my way to the elliptical, put on my music and got to it. I got to 5 minutes, feeling pretty good. I kept going and the next thing I knew I was at 8.5 minutes. I thought, I have totally got this. The next time I looked down I had gone over 11 minutes! Well, I decided since I had gone over my goal that I was going to keep going and push for 15.

I kept pushing myself. Telling myself I got this. I made it 20 whole minuted before I called it quits!!!! I felt amazing afterwards and ready to take on anything.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Well, two actually. The first one being I can do it. I just have to concentrate on the moment I am in rather than staring at the time clock. The second is that no one is paying attention to me because they are busy working on themselves. Part of what kept me from pushing harder before has always been my fear that people are watching and judging me. I really need to continue working on that.

Starting Over

I went to the doctor for a check up today. I weighed in just 2 pounds shy of what I weighed when I started this journey. I was off to a fantastic start. The exercise, which began as the hardest part of all of this, has become the best part for me so far. I love working out. I love the feeling I feel when I step off the treadmill or when I make it 5 minutes on that hell machine otherwise known as the elliptical.

What I don't love is the food choices. I have found eating better is easy for me, but my family hasn't embraced the changes so well. I mean, I can't imagine why an 8 year old doesn't want to eat brown rice with grilled chicken and a salad over chicken nuggets and fries. I mean, what have I been thinking?! Making two meals or two variations of meals has been getting to me. In addition, I have been hitting the take out for a lunch a little more often than I was in the beginning (which was never, then folks). I'm still trying to figure out that perfect balance I guess.

And, if I am being totally honest, I let myself slack. I told myself that working out made making those bad choices OK. I was still eating smaller portions and overall making better choices, but I let myself get too relaxed with it. So, as a result I sit here writing this, wanting to go and drown my feelings in chocolate syrup (and ice cream, too, of course!) and feeling sorry for myself. For a split second I let myself believe that I was just destined to spend the rest of my life overweight. OK, maybe longer than a split second, I think a part of me is still feeling a little like that and I've been home for an hour now.

Exercise and weight loss is one of those things that everyone has an opinion on, kind of like parenting. There is so much information out there. Why you should do this, why you shouldn't try that. But, this worked for so and so. I am still trying to find what works best for me. I know it has only been about 40 days, but I am discouraged a bit. I know this is a journey, that the changes won't happen overnight. I think I am disappointed in myself, I didn't hold onto the strength and motivation I had when I first started this journey. And the writing has stopped. I still feel as if writing everyday might be too much. I feel like I was getting repetitive, and I didn't want that. There are so many amazing people who follow along and read this and I didn't want to bore you all. And, I was starting to feel constricted in my writing as well, which is something I definitely do not want. Writing has always been my outlet to help me cope with things.

But, that's just it. Writing helps. It helped motivate me. It helped me see my progress, where I needed to work on. And for some reason it helps me stay brutally honest with myself. So, I'm jumping back on the writing wagon. I may not write everyday. But I know I need to get my words out there more than I have been. I'm staring over tomorrow. I don't care if I fall again, or even 20 more times. I want this. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything else. So, there is all the motivation I need.

When you fall off the wagon...

I put on a few pounds. I got lazy in my eating habits the last week. I rationalized this as OK because I go to the gym. In reality, I am down to two to three days rather than five because,well life with kids happened.

I am trying not to be discouraged to see the number on the scale go back up but it isn't easy. I am disappointed in myself, that I let myself slip so easily back into old habits. I am still learning.

Tomorrow is a whole new day, one where I can wake up and choose to make healthier choices again. I plan to make the most of it.

I've lost track of what day I am on....

All I know is I am just shy of one month into my journey. Almost 30 days have passed since I made a life altering choice. A choice that has been frustrating. Hard. Exhausting. But it also has been extremely rewarding. The pounds are coming off. Slowly, but they are still coming off. My energy levels are higher most days. And, I have learned that I actually really enjoy working out! I know, it surprises me too.

This last week or so I have slacked off a little. It's been awhile since I've blogged anything. I thought that a few trips to the drive thru were ok since I worked out at night. In reality, it hasn't killed me. And I don't think it has made a big difference in the big picture. But, I don't want to be going in reverse or slowing things down. I decided going forward to keep my eye on the end goal and really stick to those healthy options.

It's mostly lunch time that has been the source of bad food choices. I think I ate out every day last week. But, I made good breakfast and dinner choices, so I rationalize my choices. I need to stop that. Eating like crap is what got me into the mess I am in right now. When I remember this is a lifestyle change and not some fad diet it helps to get me back on track.

I may not write as much right now, but I will update my Facebook page. I just feel at a loss for words. I don't want to continually repeat myself because I'm sure no one wants to read it. Right now I am thinking maybe a weekly progress update and if it strikes me to write more than I will. I don't want to feel the pressure to come up with a funny, witty blog post everyday. It cramps my writing style. It frustrates me, and it affects the words that get typed on the screen.

Thank you all for sticking with me. For encouraging. For reading.

Day 21: The elliptical is my enemy

I feel like I should be doing more at the gym. Like the treadmill isn't quite enough. Friday I decided to try the elliptical. Whoever invented that thing must hate people. Or maybe he knows how to work your muscles. Probably the latter I'm guessing.

I made it a whole 3.38 minutes before I quit and made my way back to my home, the treadmill. Friday was a hard day.  I constantly felt hungry and more than anything I wanted to quit while working out. I started wondering is what I am doing really worth it?

If I am being honest, I felt that way most of last week. Constantly trying to figure out what I should and should not eat, finding the will power to even go to the gym after work.

It was a trying week, but somehow I made it through. I made it without making awful food choices. I went to the gym, even for just 30 quick minutes. Isn't that what this is about, pushing through when we really want to quit?

I went grocery shopping today. I think I made some choices that will make meals much easier and more filling for me this week.

Let's get it started!