The One Where I Start Over....Again

 

Why is weight loss so hard? I guess I don't mean the actual weight loss part, it's the committing to something that is not my habit. I haven't worked out in months. My meal planning is, well some weeks are great and others I just fly by the seat of my pants. I hate those weeks. I binge eat. I eat everything that I shouldn't and then I feel like complete and total crap after it all. But honestly, sometimes that doesn't even stop me. I just keep going. 

I am back at my heaviest weight. Actually, I'm two pounds about my heaviest weight, so I guess you could say I'm at my new heaviest. I'm disgusted. But more than that I am tired of feeling so crappy all the time. I'm tired all day long. I could sleep all night and still be tired. It hurts to get up a lot. It takes forever to do things. I get out of breath walking up the stairs. I cannot do this anymore. 

Writing about this before helped me. Getting my feelings out about a particular situation, being able to look back on something positive I did that day. It was encouraging. I started this blog 6 years ago for accountability and it worked. But then I stopped. When I went for a walk tonight I decided I was going to start writing again. Even if no one else sees these words, they are here for me. So, here I go again. Wish me luck! 

Calorie Deficit Day 1

 Today was the start of something new. Meal planning, workout schedules, focusing on me. I can't be the best wife or mom if I don't take care of myself, and that is been lacking. In more ways than one lately. 

Yesterday I had a talk with a friend and she mentioned that when we don't take care of ourselves we begin to feel unbalanced. That really sparked something in me. I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I've been so focused on everyone else and the stress has been mounting. So, this morning I woke up and chose me. 

I dropped kids off at school and drove immediately to the park where I walked about 1.2 miles. I came home and got ready for the day, which included getting dressed in something other than athletic pants and a sweatshirt. See, I've have forgotten things that make me feel good about myself. I came up with a mental list of things that help me feel centered. It's not a large list and they aren't even big things, but they are things that matter to me and I'm ready to do them. 

First and foremost, my devotional time. I've gotten into a semi regular routine of getting up early and doing a short devotional before work in the morning. I try to do something in the evenings as well, but those are hit and miss right now. Maybe that is something I can focus on. 

The next thing on my list was working out. Something as simple as a walk makes me happy. I have learned that I really like working out, maybe not the actual act, but how I feel once I've done it. I feel accomplished, I feel good. 

Getting dressed. I know that I can't always wear something cute or something that I feel great in, but on the days where I don't work I should be putting in that effort. And doing it just for me. I used to love putting together outfits, shopping. I don't enjoy the shopping part quite as much anymore these days, but putting together and outfit is still fun for me. 

Lastly, reading and music. I listened to some music at work on Friday and was in a great mood! I was singing along and dancing a little and the day went by rather quickly. And the other night I read an entire book! It was so nice to just sit and relax and lose myself in a fictional world. 

With this list along with eating better I hope to find a new balance in my life. I tracked calories today, I made good food choices, while still eating things I loved. Most importantly, I feel really good about my day and the choices I made. Intention. That's the word I am choosing to live going forward, with intention. 

Back to Basics

I joined a gym. I like the gym in the winter time, it's too cold to walk out doors in January. I tried barre classes. I have gone to a few yoga classes (and attempted at home, but an audience consisting of a 10 year old boy isn't conducive to that sort of activity at home!). I have tried Keto. I've tried to mix things up a bit to kick start my weight loss and it's all been done with little success.

I've enjoyed trying new things and I will keep trying different things. But I learned something today. I went for a walk in the park around the track, the same park where my journey to health started almost 2 years ago. This is my happy place. I get to walk and smell the flowers. I get to walk along the river and listen to it run (if I decided to take my headphones off). I get to see kids playing on the playground when I go by. I see other people doing the same thing I am, walking that track, with whatever goal they have set for them. I get more out of walking outdoors, being in that setting. It's also in this place that my greatest success with weight loss and health took place. When I first decided a lifestyle change was in order I didn't make drastic changes. Well, maybe a few, but I started small. I walked every day and each day I got out there I pushed myself to go just a little bit further than I did the day before. I ate the same things I made the family for dinner, just maybe skipped the less healthy options and substituted something for myself only.

I tracked my food intake with My Fitness Pal, I tracked my steps with a Pedometer. I ate 3 meals a day and some small snacks in between. I ate a fudge pop  after dinner most nights. The weight still started coming off! I had focus and dedication that I have been lacking. I realized on that track today it's time to go back to this, to what was working all along.

I started to feel like walking wasn't enough, so I added in the elliptical or some weights. I decided that eating "regular" foods wasn't putting my full effort forth, so I tried to adopt different habits. I got it in my mind that if I changed the way I was doing things then maybe I would see different results, faster results. I kept telling myself if I committed myself to this exercise or that eating program then it would all start to fall in place again. I'm not sure why I felt this way, probably because this is what I do.

I have a history of telling myself that whatever I'm doing isn't good enough. It might be different than what someone else is doing, someone might make a suggestion to try something, or I read about something new, and I decide that the way I've been going up to that point isn't the right thing. I do this is pretty much all aspects of my life. I've talked myself out of wearing something, going somewhere, or starting a conversation with someone. Something kind of clicked in me again while I was out there walking. I had to talk myself into going, but like always, once I got out there I was glad that I did.

It took me 47 minutes to walk just under 2 miles. It was hard. I wasn't even halfway through my first lap when I wanted to quit. But I did this once before. I know I can do it again. I slowed my pace. It's not about how fast you finish, it's just about finishing. I kept telling myself that. Over and over. Tomorrow is another day. It will be a little easier each time. It will be better this time. Because I have realized I am doing what is right for me, what works for me. Not for anyone else.

You Can't Handle the Truth!

Did you read that and hear Tom Cruise's voice? Mission accomplished.

It was about this time last year that I dropped some serious truth and completely bared my soul regarding my weight. Well, I think it's going to happen again. I made dinner the other night. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, my favorite meal of all time. It was perfect too, the meatloaf was just juicy enough with enough seasonings. The mashed potatoes were creamy and buttery. Like I said, perfection.

I want to back up for just a second here. I haven't tried (well, successfully) the fad diets out there. No 21 day challenge, no Keto or Paleo diets, nothing. I'm a working mom with busy kids, so my approach has been to introduce more proteins and less junk food. I want to try new things, but portion control has been the method that I find works for me. That an exercise, of course.

That being said, Friday's dinner perfection. I have taken to using a salad plate rather than those giant dinner plates to help with portion control. And help they do. I made up my plate and did not go overboard. I ate. And after failing to talk myself out of it, I went and filled my plate up again. I wasn't even hungry anymore, but the food just tasted so good. And it was in that moment that I had a revelation.

I've never gone without food. My parents always provided all of my needs and even when I first got out on my own and money was tight, I still ate decent meals. But, in that moment Friday I was afraid that someone else might eat the rest of the food and if I decided later or even the next day that I might want a little more, that it wouldn't be there. I do that a lot. I eat because I'm afraid someone might get to it first. What is that?! So what if someone else gets the last meatball or brownie. It's not like I'm never going to make meatballs again. It truly makes no sense to me why this is my mindset, but I guess that is really irrelevant. The important thing is I have identified this and then finding out how to fix this.

I know I've said this a lot, but somewhere I fell off the wagon. I'm not sure where. But, ever since then I have had such a hard time finding motivation, pushing myself to get up and go like I did before. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm every emotion that one can experience and I have no idea how to change it.

Day One: Starting Over, again

I woke up yesterday with some new found determination. I decided it is time to get serious again about the things I’ve been lax on the last few months. Working out is high up on that list. That is how I found myself at the gym again this morning before work. It was hard, but it always feels so good to be moving again. 

I approached the day with a new attitude, reminding myself that this is a one day at a time kind of thing. I think there was my first mistake-I kept looking forward into the future, which was getting me down. I need to just focus on the right now. The right now is I had a great work out this morning. I made much better food choices today, including staying away from pop! 

Two things that I am going to do going forward and keep with are writing down my progress on this blog. Writing gave me something to look forward to but it also gave me something I could look back on and see where I had come, what was working and what was not. The second thing is tracking all my foods again. I stopped, and while I thankfully haven’t gained but 5 pounds back, I have not lost any either. Not seeing the caloric intake on my choices made it easier for me to slip back into choosing bad foods, as long as I wasn’t gaining I was OK. At least that was how I was rationalizing things. Now I know (I knew is while I was doing it too…) this is not the way to approach. I need to be mindful of what I stick in my mouth. 

Aside from feeling blah again, I’m not happy with the person I see in the mirror. I was slowly, slowly starting to see those physical changes. I could tell my face had thinned out when I look in the mirror and when nothing comes off no physical changes are made either. It’s been hard. I know it will continue to be hard. But, I’m as committed as I ever was. But sharing my progress with you all gives me accountability. So, get ready for more posts, more sharing, just more of me!

a post with no name

The struggle has been real. Like really real. I am getting married in 3 days. I have family coming from out of town and I decided to host dinner the night before the wedding. At my house. For 30 people. I'm crazy. In the midst of this craziness I ate ice cream. For breakfast. Today. Now, I'm not coming down too hard on myself because this is the first time in a long time that I've made such a questionable decision for meal replacement. So, I am granting myself some grace. Even though I ate the chocolate ice cream while sitting on the couch watching reruns of Monica and Chandler's wedding on Friends.

About an hour went by and the nagging feeling I had just would not go away! So, I got up and put my bowl in the sink. I changed into work out clothes and did level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I attempted this a few times before years back and would get about 2 days in before quitting. Working out at the gym the last months were surprisingly helpful today though. I'm not used to cardio like this, my cardio is usually the elliptical or treadmill, but it felt pretty good. Seemed easier than I remember from before. I feel better since getting up, in fact I found the motivation to write today and next I am getting ready to clean up my bedroom because ya know, company in 2 days!

I am finding the push I had in the beginning of my work out journey has slowly faded. I don't feel the excitement to get to the gym after work like I was before, even though I try to mix things up. Perhaps that is part of the stress I've been feeling in addition to my depression. I don't know. I do know that the scale doesn't move like it used to, which I tell myself I am OK with, but deep down I don't think that I am. I know myself and I need to see the physical differences in order to feel as if I am being successful. Even though I may say differently.....

I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and magically feel different. Like, the exhaustion isn't there. Like I am making progress and like I don't feel like a fat, bloated mess. Because it is starting to get to me, big time. Like, I have been contemplating calling up my doctor to talk about weight loss surgery. But I know deep down that is not the route I want to take. I want to look back and know that I busted my ass for my weight to come down. That I made hard as hell, but smart decisions about changing and maintaining my health. So, why can't I figure out a way to be OK with that right now, in the midst of the hard work? The feeling of depression is really starting to wear me out.

UPDATE

It's been over two months, I think, since I started this blog. In this time I have continued to push myself and surprise myself at all I am capable of doing. When I started, my weight was 262 pounds. I lost close to 10 but then managed to put it all back on. I felt so discouraged and in all honestly, I nearly gave up.

A month ago I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss this issue. Part of my problem was always feeling hungry. I drink water non stop during the day, I have cut down on my fast food consumption, and made changes to my daily diet. I eat breakfast now, I make better choices when it comes to eating lunch and dinner. I was still not getting a full feeling. For a few days, I felt like I was cheating, but the more I thought about it I realized I wasn't. My doctor prescribed me an appetite suppressant. I want to do this without help, but I realized that right now I needed a little bit.

I still eat better, I still go to the gym regularly. I haven't reverted back into any old habits. I do feel better though, I can eat a meal and finally feel like I have eaten enough, like I have a handle on what and how much to eat in order to continue losing weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

To date I have lost 18 pounds. I am down to 246 pounds, I cannot remember the last time I was under 250, this is huge for me. I personally do not see much of a physical change in my appearance, but others have so I know what I am doing is working. I do feel better in general and I am making progress in my workouts as well. When I first started walking, it took me nearly 18 minutes to walk a mile. I can do it now in about 16 and a half minutes. I know these aren't huge milestones, but it is these little things that show me and I am getting somewhere. 

There have been more moments of discouragement than I care to admit. I always knew I was in for a long, hard journey with this, but it's just something you cannot truly appreciate the difficulty behind it until you get into it.

Sometimes I cannot believe I have kept up with this and then others I am so thankful that I finally found the motivation to keep this going. I probably will never know what clicked in my mind that day, but I am so glad it did.